a dream

I had a dream the other night, an in my dream I got word that Rachel and Vida had died. In the haze between waking and sleeping, I was greatly relieved to "realize" that it had only been a dream. "So they are both just sitting in their easy chairs after all," I thought, and was greatly relieved.

The world seems more frightening without them there to listen, give direction, and pray. Who is going to digest my questions about the "far out" stuff like Vida was so comfortable doing? I know she didn't have all the answers, but she also wasn't afraid of the questions. I am sad that my daughter will never know her.

Somehow I feel more at peace with Rachel's passing. The experience of saying good bye in person at Thanksgiving, the phone calls after that, the gradual fading. Especially the opportunity to lovingly cover her up as she rests in the soil--all were very healing and helped provide closure.

With Vida, it came, whapped me over the head, and was gone so fast. It's harder to let go of her peacefully, graciously. I can't delete her last email from my inbox. Maybe if I leave it there long enough, something will change. I wonder what would happen if I responded to it. She closed with, "Rest assured of my love and support. I hope it won't be toooo long til I get to see you again."

Well it is too long. "I love you, and you're going away and I don't like it." Who do the teachers, the mothers, the guides have to go before we are ready to make it without them?